SMACKDOWN

Following is the Thursday Smackdown transcript. For Monday Raw, go here. See below for earlier episodes.

[smackdown intro montage]

Announcer: "Welcome to Smackdown, ladies and gentlemen, where I'm told for the first time in living memory our Thursday night show will feature relevant surprise developments and meaningful wrestling matches. Along with 'Mean' Gene Okerlund, I am Bobby 'the Brain' Henan set for incredible action coming to you on two-day tape delay from the RBC Center in Raleigh, North Carolina."

Ted DiBiase's intro music plays. The 'Million Dollar Machine' team makes its way to the ring, accompanied by Will 'the Thrill' Hart and his cousin Bret 'Hitman' Hart. Bret hands his sunglasses to a youngster in the front row; DiBiase gives a gold bracelet to a nice-looking female fan; Abdullah the Butcher tosses out a few racks of ribs. Finally, they gather in the squared circle and Will Hart takes hold of the mike.

"Hello, Raleigh, North Carolina!" he says to rabid applause. "You know, team 'Corporate Meltdown' had a lot of fun Monday night. They managed to topple the fearsome Tom Sizemore." [laughter] "They even got the better of us in the ring--hey, I'll admit it! But tonight, they--" [Corporation music plays] "What the?"

Vince McMahon emerges from underneath the Titantron, Ric Flair and Brian 'Garage' Sellers beside him, both smiling ear to ear. Vince laughs and begins to speak into his microphone.

"Before you even say another word," scowls McMahon, "allow me to tell you how this evening is going to go down. For starters, I have it from a reliable source that Sergeant Slaughter has not completed his requirements with the Marines." [chorus of boos] "Now, don't shoot the messenger. I am here to help, really. We could overlook this little glitch, if Slaughter can fulfill his patriotic duty here in Raleigh: by defeating the Iron Sheik tonight!" [mixture of boos and cheers] "Oh, I'm just getting warmed up. What's next? Oh, where is this manager of yours, goes by the name of 'Dude Love'?" [loud ovation, cheers of Foley! Foley!] "Well, tell him that Vince has booked him for a match tonight. A handicapped match! Against the team of Mick Foley, Mankind, and Cactus Jack!!"

"Funny, Vin-man," says Thrill. "I can see you've been getting your ideas from my confused rommate, Brian Sell-out. Sure, you've got your match." [members of 'Million Dollar Machine' laugh and joke]

"Good," growls McMahon, "because if your man loses or..." [looking all around] "...somehow fails to show, Bret Hart will no longer be the referee for Sunday's main event!" [the 'Machine' members express dismay, crowd boos and begins chant of 'a--hole, a--hole'] "And one more thing. I have decided to name a new comissioner. Without further delay, I give you Comissioner Bud Selig!" [Selig walks out, stands between McMahon and Sellers] "We have reached an agreement on Mr. Rose. If--and that's a big if--Rose survives to the end of the match at MTS Carolina Slam, he will be admitted to the Baseball Hall of Fame!" [loud ovation] "Wait a minute, now. If, and you can bet your a-- this will be the case--Rose for any reason fails to finish the match, he will be ousted from the WWE Hall of Fame, and will never...ever make it to Cooperstown!" ['Corporate Meltdown' exits to 'No Chance in Hell.' Will Hart and others leave during commercial break, in bewilderment.]

After pinning the Sheik with a little assistance from concerned Marines sitting in the front row, Slaughter returns to the lockerroom, waving the American flag as he departs from the stage. Will and Bret Hart discuss strategy as DiBiase gives a confused Abdullah the Butcher stock tips. Slaughter opens his locker to find Pete Rose, frozen in fear, crammed inside. "Pete, really," jokes Will, "why would Sellers try to attack you again tonight? Look, if he's going to break your legs, he'll probably wait until Sunday." Rose gulps, climbs down from locker. "Now, Bret, I've talked to 'Dude Love' and he said he should be ready to go for tonight."

[various lesser matches take place, which no one watches anyhow]

Finally, Mankind's music plays after the last commercial break ends, and Mick Foley's twisted figure makes its way to the ring for the main event: the 'Me Against Us' match. He turns toward the Titantron, confident none of his other three personalities will emerge from underneath the screen, and in a moment he would take the easy forfeit. The music stops, then the 'Mankind' theme plays again, causing Foley to turn in shock to see a large, dark-skinned individual, resembling Abdullah the Butcher, wearing a cheap leather mask and brown outfit limp down the ramp toward the ring, pausing below Foley. Then the 'Cactus Jack' theme plays, and an athlete looking remarkably like Will 'the Thrill' Hart emerges wearing the signature plaid jacket and black outfit, stopping next to the masked 'Mankind' look-alike. After that, the 'Dude Love' theme plays, and to the ecstatic cheers of the audience, 'Superstar' Billy Graham runs down to the ring wearing a tie-die shirt and rose-colored sunglasses. All three imposters charge Foley, making short work of the mangled wrestler with chair shots and a flying elbow-drop from Superstar Billy Graham, who covers Foley for the three-count, and Bret 'the Hitman' Hart's music plays to a standing ovation as he comes out to celebrate with the winners.

Action on the jumbo screen catches the victors' attention, and the music stops, yielding to the sounds of a scuffle in the 'Machine' lockerroom. DiBiase and Slaughter are layed out on the floor, and Sellers stands with Andre the Giant, George 'the Animal' Steele, and Ric Flair, holding a bat over 'Mr. Hustle' himself, Pete Rose. Comissioner Selig speaks to Rose from behind Sellers. "Mr. Rose, your petition to be readmitted into Major League Baseball..." [pauses to glare into the camer, faces back to Rose] "...has been denied!!" [Sellers advances with the bat...]

Announcer: "Oh the carnage! The mayhem! We'll see you at Carolina Slam! Goodnight!"