Cackalaky Beach

SMACKDOWN

2004-10-03T21:46:00.000-05:00

Following is the Thursday Smackdown transcript. For Monday Raw, go here. See below for earlier episodes.

[smackdown intro montage]

Announcer: "Welcome to Smackdown, ladies and gentlemen, where I'm told for the first time in living memory our Thursday night show will feature relevant surprise developments and meaningful wrestling matches. Along with 'Mean' Gene Okerlund, I am Bobby 'the Brain' Henan set for incredible action coming to you on two-day tape delay from the RBC Center in Raleigh, North Carolina."

Ted DiBiase's intro music plays. The 'Million Dollar Machine' team makes its way to the ring, accompanied by Will 'the Thrill' Hart and his cousin Bret 'Hitman' Hart. Bret hands his sunglasses to a youngster in the front row; DiBiase gives a gold bracelet to a nice-looking female fan; Abdullah the Butcher tosses out a few racks of ribs. Finally, they gather in the squared circle and Will Hart takes hold of the mike.

"Hello, Raleigh, North Carolina!" he says to rabid applause. "You know, team 'Corporate Meltdown' had a lot of fun Monday night. They managed to topple the fearsome Tom Sizemore." [laughter] "They even got the better of us in the ring--hey, I'll admit it! But tonight, they--" [Corporation music plays] "What the?"

Vince McMahon emerges from underneath the Titantron, Ric Flair and Brian 'Garage' Sellers beside him, both smiling ear to ear. Vince laughs and begins to speak into his microphone.

"Before you even say another word," scowls McMahon, "allow me to tell you how this evening is going to go down. For starters, I have it from a reliable source that Sergeant Slaughter has not completed his requirements with the Marines." [chorus of boos] "Now, don't shoot the messenger. I am here to help, really. We could overlook this little glitch, if Slaughter can fulfill his patriotic duty here in Raleigh: by defeating the Iron Sheik tonight!" [mixture of boos and cheers] "Oh, I'm just getting warmed up. What's next? Oh, where is this manager of yours, goes by the name of 'Dude Love'?" [loud ovation, cheers of Foley! Foley!] "Well, tell him that Vince has booked him for a match tonight. A handicapped match! Against the team of Mick Foley, Mankind, and Cactus Jack!!"

"Funny, Vin-man," says Thrill. "I can see you've been getting your ideas from my confused rommate, Brian Sell-out. Sure, you've got your match." [members of 'Million Dollar Machine' laugh and joke]

"Good," growls McMahon, "because if your man loses or..." [looking all around] "...somehow fails to show, Bret Hart will no longer be the referee for Sunday's main event!" [the 'Machine' members express dismay, crowd boos and begins chant of 'a--hole, a--hole'] "And one more thing. I have decided to name a new comissioner. Without further delay, I give you Comissioner Bud Selig!" [Selig walks out, stands between McMahon and Sellers] "We have reached an agreement on Mr. Rose. If--and that's a big if--Rose survives to the end of the match at MTS Carolina Slam, he will be admitted to the Baseball Hall of Fame!" [loud ovation] "Wait a minute, now. If, and you can bet your a-- this will be the case--Rose for any reason fails to finish the match, he will be ousted from the WWE Hall of Fame, and will never...ever make it to Cooperstown!" ['Corporate Meltdown' exits to 'No Chance in Hell.' Will Hart and others leave during commercial break, in bewilderment.]

After pinning the Sheik with a little assistance from concerned Marines sitting in the front row, Slaughter returns to the lockerroom, waving the American flag as he departs from the stage. Will and Bret Hart discuss strategy as DiBiase gives a confused Abdullah the Butcher stock tips. Slaughter opens his locker to find Pete Rose, frozen in fear, crammed inside. "Pete, really," jokes Will, "why would Sellers try to attack you again tonight? Look, if he's going to break your legs, he'll probably wait until Sunday." Rose gulps, climbs down from locker. "Now, Bret, I've talked to 'Dude Love' and he said he should be ready to go for tonight."

[various lesser matches take place, which no one watches anyhow]

Finally, Mankind's music plays after the last commercial break ends, and Mick Foley's twisted figure makes its way to the ring for the main event: the 'Me Against Us' match. He turns toward the Titantron, confident none of his other three personalities will emerge from underneath the screen, and in a moment he would take the easy forfeit. The music stops, then the 'Mankind' theme plays again, causing Foley to turn in shock to see a large, dark-skinned individual, resembling Abdullah the Butcher, wearing a cheap leather mask and brown outfit limp down the ramp toward the ring, pausing below Foley. Then the 'Cactus Jack' theme plays, and an athlete looking remarkably like Will 'the Thrill' Hart emerges wearing the signature plaid jacket and black outfit, stopping next to the masked 'Mankind' look-alike. After that, the 'Dude Love' theme plays, and to the ecstatic cheers of the audience, 'Superstar' Billy Graham runs down to the ring wearing a tie-die shirt and rose-colored sunglasses. All three imposters charge Foley, making short work of the mangled wrestler with chair shots and a flying elbow-drop from Superstar Billy Graham, who covers Foley for the three-count, and Bret 'the Hitman' Hart's music plays to a standing ovation as he comes out to celebrate with the winners.

Action on the jumbo screen catches the victors' attention, and the music stops, yielding to the sounds of a scuffle in the 'Machine' lockerroom. DiBiase and Slaughter are layed out on the floor, and Sellers stands with Andre the Giant, George 'the Animal' Steele, and Ric Flair, holding a bat over 'Mr. Hustle' himself, Pete Rose. Comissioner Selig speaks to Rose from behind Sellers. "Mr. Rose, your petition to be readmitted into Major League Baseball..." [pauses to glare into the camer, faces back to Rose] "...has been denied!!" [Sellers advances with the bat...]

Announcer: "Oh the carnage! The mayhem! We'll see you at Carolina Slam! Goodnight!"

At the Million Dollar Mansion (episode VI)

2004-09-30T16:13:00.000-05:00

"I'm worried," declares Abdullah the Butcher, speaking English for the first time ever. "They're up to something with that tall, mysterious fellow in the trenchcoat. Good thing the camera guy was taping that conversation for us. Anyway, we need more insurance. Pete Rose might be in for it."

"We could kidnap Stephanie McMahon," suggests DiBiase, lying face-down on a massage table. Two women attend him, while another shines his diamond 'Million-dollar' belt.

"It's been done," says William 'the Anvil' Hart, stretched out on the other table, reluctantly attended by Luna and Chyna.

"Really?"

"Yeah, twice. She was taken by the Undertaker one time, but it was actually in colaboration with Vince. The other time she was forced to marry Triple H, but it turned out she was in cahoots with her captor to get back at her father. Besides, it's an unnecessarily involved plot line."

"How about we get Linda McMahon involved."

"Been done. Over-done."

"I know, we should psych them out by wrestling miniature versions of their team-members on Raw tomorrow night."

"You really have been out of wrestling a long time, haven't you?" says Hart.

"Well," says DiBiase, "either way, Dude Love will show up on our side next Sunday."

"I am not so sure," answers Hart, lighting his cigar with $500 Monopoly money. "You were right the first time, that we need something else. We need a sure bet, no offense, Pete. A guest-referee, perhaps, one that hates McMahon even more than Brian 'Fish-bait' Sellers hates our man Pete Rose here."

"That much?" Abdullah asks incredulously.

"How about Ted Turner?" suggests Sgt. Slaughter.

"Close," replies Hart. "but we need a winner. Hey, Pete, do me a favor. Get my cousin Bret on the phone...."

Promotion to Manager

2004-09-30T01:36:00.000-05:00

Well, as you can see from the post below, Possum has dealt a tremendous blow to my team's chances by picking a wrestler with multiple personality disorder--thus invoking the classic "infinite wish" rule of wrestling, whereby one gains a tremendous edge in numbers. Boy, if his insanity were not following some sort of trend, I'd think he was downright nutty.

Which brings me to the second proposal offered by my opponent, Brian "Floormat" Sellers: a straight-jacket match. This means, of course, that to win one team must get all the members of the other team into straight-jackets and shove them into a van. Now, everyone knows that in wrestling you can never change the nature of a match once it has been proposed...you can only add onto it. Naturally, I propose that this become a no disqualification match, which in the modern era is always the case--but we're wrestlin with the oldies here.

Two factors explain my choice. Yes, Pete Rose may not be a wrestler, but he's a surgeon (of sorts) with a bat in his hands. Second, the "Million Dollar Man" has just agreed to pay a generous salary to our new manager, who may just be the deciding factor in the end.

I have chosen a non-traditional manager, in that his focus has been primarily on wrestling throughout his relatively brief career. This means I forfeit the services of a Jimmy "Mouth of the South" Hart or Captain Lou Albano or even Bobby "the Brain" Henan. With DiBiase running things, I feel comfortable in the intelligence department (it is my opponent who has more loose screws than screwdrivers on his roster).

So far as I know, this athlete is undefeated.
He has a way with the ladies.
He is a fan-favorite.

Dude Love, show me the love!

The Challenge...

2004-09-30T01:10:00.000-05:00

Cameraman enters well-decorated room backstage. The 'Million Dollar Man' sits in his easy chair, visibly disturbed and barking out commands to his several beautiful ladies, one of whom places diamond-laced slippers on DiBiase's feet. Another hands him one coctail after another, much like .a Virginia teacher gives margaritas to her students

Sgt. Slaughter stands behind him scowling, but it is hard to tell from this whether he is angry.

Abdullah the Butcher pounds his head against the wall adjacent to the men's room, leaving a rather large hole. Pete Rose runs out from the bathroom, chicken head under his arm and says "What did I miss?"

"It's over, man," says Superstar Billy Graham, nearly speechless for the first time in his life.

"Maybe. Maybe," says William 'Hitman' Hart as he watches his nemesis, Brian 'Floormat' Sellers unleash his insanity to a capacity crowd at the Spectrum.

"IN THIS VERY RING," yells Sellers, referring actually to a different ring entirely, "My 'Corporate Meltdown' team, with its newest member, Mankind, Cactus Jack, AND Mick Foley will take on the 'Million Dollar Disgrace' in a straight-jacket match on pay-per-view."

Fourth and Fifth-Round Selections

2004-09-29T20:26:00.000-05:00

Roadkill Sellers, a.k.a. Brian, has made his next two picks in this winner-take-all MTS rumble. My previous three are below, but let's review where this stands so far:

Brian's Team

Vince McMahon
"Nature Boy" Ric Flair
Andre the Giant
George "the Animal" Steele

William's Team

"The Million Dollar Man" Ted DiBiase
Sergeant Slaughter
Abdullah the Butcher

By the way, have I mentioned that Possum once hung from a tree by his tail? Well it was a bush, and his shirt-tail, but perhaps I'll save that story for later...

Here is how I see things thusfar: each athlete selected by my opponent has certain weaknesses I hope to exploit. McMahon authored the XFL, Flair has an ego out the whazoo, Andre cannot reach my team-members from his height, and the Animal might wind up choking on turnbuckle foam.

However, I cannot presume that things would go badly for his team, because the potential pay-off if he pulls it together is rather large. So far, I have played things safe, but the last two picks represent my superstar and my wildcard. I hope to trump the Sylvan with these two individuals.

For my superstar, I need the charisma of the Rock, the intensity of the Ultimate Warrior, the immortality of Hulk Hogan, and the name of a popular evangelical Christian leader.

Enter Superstar Billy Graham.

A Christian also, Superstar Graham was arguably the most influential wrestler of the past 30 years, having served as a model which Hulk Hogan, Jesse Ventura, Ric Flair, and "Stunning" Steve Austin fashioned their early personas after. This man lifted weights with Governator Arnold back in the day, and competed in the 1980 World's Strongest Man competition.

Vince McMahon himself once told Graham that "the only problem you had in wrestling was that you were ahead of your time." Superstar did accomplish one feat that has not been matched since: the longest ever title reign by a villain! No wonder he's "the man of the hour, the man with the power, too sweet to be sour," and my fourth selection.

Finally, we come to the wild card, that gamble which alone could swing the match. And, while I considered the added advantage of a "Mystery Opponent," I decided instead to slide head first into the remaining selection.

Though he participated in several Wrestlemania's, almost no one would believe he was a WWE hall of famer. During one of these events, he took on the "Big Red Machine" Kane.

Funny, because he once played for the "Big Red Machine": the Cincinnati Reds. As a ballplayer, he won two World Series rings, an MVP award, and still holds the record for career hits with 4,256--and due to a slight technicality, he may never enter Cooperstown. But he will come through for the "Million Dollar Machine" on pay-per-view.

I present, then, my fifth and final pick in the 2004 MTS Rumble: Pete Rose.

Put that in your pipe and consider it a while, Speed Bump Sellers.

Second and Third-Round Selections

2004-09-29T01:35:00.000-05:00

Countering my bad guy with the dirtiest player in the game and the evil mastermind responsible for squashing Ted Turner's pet, World Championship Wrestling, the artist currently known as Possum has upped the stakes in this epic blog-off (For my first pick, Ted DiBiase, see below). The pressure is back on my side to make two equally strong picks in the second and third rounds.

To start, I need an individual that can serve as a loyal and dependable right-hand for the "Million Dollar Man." A big ego, therefore, is out of the question, and therefore no present-day wrestler fits the bill. Neither do the headliners of the past, who as fan-favorites have boosted sales at the ticket office.

No, what I need is a "Real American Hero": Sgt. Slaughter.

A WWE hall-of-famer (class of 2004), Slaughter actually served as a Marine prior to his days in wrestling. He enjoyed great success in the NWA before joining the WWF, and even inspired a character by the same name on the cartoon series G.I. Joe.

Some claim he was an Iraqi sympathizer in 1991 when he won the title against the Ultimate Warrior (and others claim that Saddam Hussein had WMDs). While there may be truth to these accusations, he has since renounced his former position (whereas others continue to switch back and forth).

Turning then to the third pick, the emphasis for my team here is on size, brute strength, and a really intimidating gimmick. I passed over Yokozuna, who was often more a liability than anything. Likewise I reluctantly skip over Andre the Giant so as not to give the other side a David vs. Goliath psychological advantage.

This man was "best-known for carving up opponents' foreheads with foreign objects...and getting his own forehead carved up." He drew more fans in one night at the Expose stadium in Montreal (26,000) than the baseball team draws in an average season. In fact, he is Canadian by birth (although not French Canadian), but to wrestling fans this monster instead hailed from the Sudan.

His name? Abdullah the Butcher. As in, owner of Abdullah the Butcher's House of Ribs and Chinese Food in Atlanta, GA.

We send it back to Brian Sell-out in our Chapel Hill studios....

First-Round Selection

2004-09-28T19:57:00.000-05:00

The terms of the debate have been set, and my opponent, the "Brain" will be allowed to paint his face orange to look like an oompa-loompa in return for allowing me to wear a hand-buzzer.

Of course, the topic of this blog-off has also been chosen, and in our fantasy draft of five professional wrestlers (past or present), I have been given the first selection. So without further delay, I select....

WAIT a minute. This requires a great deal of deliberation, because the first pick sets the tone. I have to pick an individual who will anchor my team and provide the leadership necessary to triumph in this MTS battle royal. He or she must be reliable, intelligent, and have the iron will necessary to stomach a bloody conflict.

The person must not be willing to leave before the match in order to make a movie (so long Hulk Hogan, Rock), or to run for office (goodbye Ric Flair, Jessie "the Body" Ventura), or to play another sport (later Brock) or even to pose for Playboy/Playgirl (which elminates most WWE Divas and also Shawn Michaels).

He must combine the craftiness of Shane McMahon, the resources of Vince McMahon, and the shrewdness of Stephanie McMahon (without the breast implants).

My first selection, and number one draft pick overall: the Million Dollar Man Ted DiBiase.

The gimmick should be obvious. He was the bad-guy millionaire (in the 1980s, being a millionaire meant something) who traveled in style with limousines, pretty girls and even bodyguards. His favorite expression, which appeared in the theme song, was that "every man has his price."

His accomplishments include numerous regional titles and success in Japan. More prominently, he was a three-time WWF tag-team champ with Mike Rotundo, and was the 1988 King of the Ring.

He has also successfully managed Steve Austin, Virgil, Andre the Giant, and the Steiner Brothers.

These days, he helps out charities such as the Sunshine Foundation and shares his Christian testimony through Heart of David Ministries, an organization he founded in order to spread the Gospel.

Ironically, nowadays DiBiase speaks out against the sex and violence in the WWE.

For more information on the millionaire, click here.

Alright, "Brain," it's your turn.

The Two Towers

2004-09-28T02:00:00.000-05:00

Okay, so my first attempt at a Virginia Beach web page failed faster than Janet Jackson's Super Bowl wardrobe, and had ratings that would make a show like Journalistic Integrity Today with Dan Rather look like Friends. Irregardless--as my counterpart Brian "Possum" Sellers would say--the show must go on.

Folks, the world has fallen further into the grips of democracy. More countries, including once-reliable dictatorships such as Iraq and Afghanistan, have been overtaken by popular government. Fidel might be next. Now is the time to restore both of the Two Towers, Possum Holler and the Cackalaky (Beach Version 2.0), so that we might reverse this ominous trend.

I joke, of course, but a grain of truth lay underneath this loaf of sarcasm. For four years, a modest (and arguably inept) dual dictatorship reigned in the "Haus of E" at UNC-Chapel Hill. It issued proclamations such as Roommate Agreements, the Declaration of Independence from Ehaus, the 95 or So Theses, and the State of the MTS Address. It boldly named a Man of the Week every week...or two...or three. It uttered kernels of wisdom so profound they could only be contained by t-shirts: "Keep it Simple"; "Keep it Together"; "Keep off the Grass."

So here begins a not-quite-new era of the Miles Travis Society, where the intellectual wine flows freely, the spiritual water is fine, and the psychological cola is fizzy.

And, as my first action on this site, I challenge Possum to a blog-off on the inane and purposeless topic of his choosing! Glove slap, baby!